Honestly, these are just thoughts. they don’t flow or really go together. If your reading this, sorry for the mess that is my brain.
Everything is different now and everything constantly changes. I feel like my sense of time has completely shifted since being a mom. Everything is now in 3 hour increments and all my plans hang on the mood of the cutest and most inconstant little girl. The first 3 weeks I felt like I might completely loose my mind. It seemed she was always hungry, I was always tired, and nothing (and I do mean nothing) got done around the house. As we started to settle in, I could start working a little and planning tentatively. This is hard for my independent and selfish side. I like doing what needs to get done when I want to do it. But now its got to be during nap time. I have had to remind myself a million times that these moments are precious and one day I’m going to look back and want her to be this little. So I am trying to soak it all up.
Can I just say how much this stage of her life is amazing. Everything to her is a little adventure, she is constantly soaking in her surroundings, learning new things, trying new things, and growing every single day. It’s incredible. I have never in my life stared or taken more pictures of something. As a photographer, that’s a big deal. She amazes me with her sense of wonder, she captures my heart with her gummy smile, she freaks me out a little with how strong she is already.
If there is one thing I could tell myself and that it would be impossible to forget. It would be to slow down and go at her pace. Don’t wish away the season, don’t hurry the milestones, soak is all in. This is the one time in your life that you will only have one child that is an infant. You have the time to cherish each moment and to go at her pace. Allow yourself to be a mom, to embrace this season, and to stare at her while she sleeps. Each moment is a gift, momma, cherish it.
I don’t struggle a lot with insecurity. I embrace beauty and see every person as very different and I think it’s amazing. But somehow now I have a harder time seeing beauty in this body I’m rediscovering. I look at my stomach, with marks of a BIG tummy that used to house a human being, I see my scar from where she came into this world, I see loose skin where it used to not be, my boobs (yes, I said that) are now leaking every couple hours and have been through a lot to help nourish our little one… and some days that’s really hard. On top of all of that, I chopped my hair off to make life a little easier, I think sometimes I hid behind my hair. Now this is me, in all my mom glory…
There are days that I don’t have to remind myself that this was for her, it’s completely worth it, and slowly but surely things will get to a new normal… but most days it’s a struggle. Tim tells me I’m beautiful and I second guess it only because I don’t think that of myself… I look different. So how can both of us (my former self and current self) be beautiful. BECAUSE YOU ARE! it’s beautiful what God created our bodies to do. It’s actually the most amazing thing I’ve ever been apart of. Working out feels a little different and a lot slower but its happening. I want to be healthy for my little girl and myself. When I do see myself in the mirror and feel insecure I have a couple of times brought Eden into the bathroom with me and looked at us together. She’s the most beautiful little human I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I’m serious. She really is. And while it’s hard for me in this season at times to see myself as beautiful, I wouldn't get to be infatuated with her beauty if I wouldn’t have sacrificed my body for hers. Laying down our lives and bodies is a beautiful picture of what we are called to do as believers, motherhood is beautiful because it’s a sacrifice… everyday of a lot of things. But in your giving and sacrificing you are living out the gospel. that’s the most beautiful this about this new self that you are rediscovering.
It’s funny how when you remove sex from the marriage (for 6 weeks postpartum), add exhaustion, and some very real frustration you are tested in the moments where you need to be your strongest as a team. For Tim and I this resulted in a lot of conversations, apologies, and strategies. We more than ever had to be a team, some nights it was like we were on the gameshow survival and we had to work together in order to win (get sleep). We had to become team mates, which we aren’t super good at because we are both independent, have a hard time admitting weakness, and asking for help. For Tim this resulted in frustration, for me it was major emotional breakdowns. We slowly but surely adjusted ourselves to serve each other, so that our marriage remained the priority. In this season it’s the small things that strengthen your marriage, serving your spouse looks so different; changing the diaper so she doesn't have to get out of bed, making him breakfast cause your up anyway… giving the other a little more sleep time even though you really want them to give you more sleep time. My advice to myself and other new moms is communicate, for crying out loud. You have to be real with yourself and him. A sore, exhausted, frustrated momma is terrifying; I don’t know if there is a point of no return but I feel like I’ve been pretty dang close to it around 3am a time or two. Communicating with your spouse that taking a drive for 30 minutes would bless you, a nap, or not changing a diaper for a couple hours. Ask your spouse what you can do to serve them, even if it means more laundry or less you time. Marriage with an infant is the apex of give and take between the two of you. Remember that you are on the same team, that you are madly in love, laugh a lot, and remember that your best friends. For heavens sake; make out with your husband, pray together, and soak up all the firsts. That little one is a piece of both of you and it’s a miracle that you have each other to lean on during this very short time in your life.
Momma, you're doing a great job. You’re really good looking, your baby is amazing, and your husband is the best thing that ever happened to you (besides Jesus). In this season that will pass to soon; slow down, watch with amazement, take a nap, make out, and laugh your face off. These are the golden years.