my plans, birth control, and babies
Most of my life I have prayed for God's will to be done in my life; but really the desire of my heart was for my will to be done, not His.
Most of the time His will is brought about in my life through surprises, suffering, and unknowns. All things that bring me to my knees, to a very dependent state, and require my trust and obedience.
What I really want is to be a great planner, self sufficient, and for things to work out accordingly, all the while I would genuinely love God but we would have this agreement.
I may sound crazy but that's how I feel a lot of the time. I can't be so bad of a planner that he always changes my route. Much to my joy and gratefulness, God has called me his child. Which means that our "agreement" looks different. I pray, plan, and leave it to Him. I have to. Or else that girl comes back out. I still plan, really great plans. But God has a way that is higher than mine and wisdom that is greater than I'd ever imagine and I MUST find peace, joy, and comfort in that He loves me enough to determine the steps of my life.
I have a lot of examples; my after high school plan, what I started going to college for, marriage, finances, and where we would live... All things that I genuinely felt I had really great plans about but as I prayed for His will to be done plans changed and His control over my life has become much more apparent.
I really wanted to share about a specific instance just incase you still are struggling with the goodness of God in the midst of your lack of control. Before Tim and I got married we read and studied about what kind of birth control to use; with our STRONG convictions about conception and life there were few to choose from, if any. But we started one that we felt most comfortable with. Two months into marriage we found out that the second line of defense for this birth control was making the uterus inhospitable to fertilized eggs. Since we believe that conception begins at fertilization, I felt that I actually wanted those... I wanted a hospitable uterus.
I am not against birth control but I think you MUST do research if you are a believer because of the stance you should have on the preciousness of every human life. If you have not IN DEPTH researched every line of defense your birth control uses, I actually beg you to do so.
At that point we started using "other" ways to protect ourselves because in our wisdom we felt like we were not ready to provide and consider a child. For 8 months I have been counting days, temperatures, following my calendar, and we used condoms as needed (if that's too descriptive, I'm sorry, we are married, it happens). This is the most important part so read carefully.
Every month I would pray that God would have his will in our life, including when we would become pregnant. I would plead with God that as my wisdom says that we are not ready and I am acting upon that limited wisdom; that he would disregard my plans of protection and have his will and his way, if he wanted us to become pregnant. I would genuinely pray "God if it's your will and desire for us to bear children, even if I do not know it now; that is my will and desire too... a child is a blessing and any blessing you choose is welcome in me and through our lives"
I actually would encourage any woman to pray that (that's a believer) because we cannot put our hope or plans in pills or "birth control". Silly us to believe we can actually control these things.
Anyway on August 17th (I was one day late) Tim kept picking on me that I was pregnant because of how regular I am. Like really regular. To prove a point I took a pregnancy test, I felt the blood rush to my head as a big bold YES was written on the test. I told Tim (who was immediately so excited he couldn't contain himself) and took another for good measure and there it was, two pink lines... Almost laughing at and with me that my plans have been re-routed once again.
I had a small freak out moment because of; plans, money, the size of our apartment, jobs, plans, money... Oh I already said that. Then I remembered what I have consistently prayed, and I laid my hand on my stomach and whispered "you are welcome here little one" with those words I keep repeating my joy growths and my faith strengthens.
My prayer is that not only that this story encourages new wives, new moms, or the planners of the world but I also hope it realigns where our hope or "control" lies. It cannot be found in plans or measures taken to prevent things but only in the hands of our Father who is the giver of all God things.
Disclaimer: I am not against ALL birth control. I think family planning is so important, and I believe that you should do what your wisdom considers to be the best plan. But submit those plans to the one who is actually in control. He is good at what he does.